When is giving too much attention not good attention

Today, I would like to revisit the topic of attention—this time, looking at what happens when we give too much of it, or offer long, winding explanations for simple situations.

Picture a familiar scene at the supermarket checkout. The line is long, and within easy reach are rows of chocolates, candies, and small toys. Your three-year-old spots something they want. You say no.

Almost immediately, things escalate. Tempers rise, and before you know it, you are lifting a surprisingly heavy child—who has expertly made themselves heavier—while they cry loudly and draw the attention of everyone around. To avoid the stares (and the occasional sympathetic nod), you give in. The moment passes, but the regret sets in just as quickly. You know this scene will repeat itself—perhaps at the next store, on another day.

Why do tantrums happen?

Tantrums typically begin around 18 months and can continue until about four years of age. At this stage, children are becoming more mobile and independent. They begin to recognize their needs and, importantly, understand that expressing those needs often leads to getting what they want.

However, they are also easily overwhelmed. They experience strong emotions but lack the ability to regulate them or communicate clearly. When words fail, behavior takes over—crying loudly, collapsing on the floor, or refusing to move.

In response, the adult often steps in quickly—picking the child up, soothing them, and sometimes giving in. Over time, the child begins to understand this pattern. The louder or more intense the reaction, the more likely it is to bring a response. And so, the behavior is repeated—often with greater intensity each time.

What can you do?

In the beginning, it is perfectly fine to comfort your child. However, when tantrums become frequent or last longer than 10–12 minutes, it is time to respond more intentionally.

• Acknowledge their feelings

  After a few outbursts, help your child put words to their emotions. You might say, “I know you’re upset because you want to keep playing. But it’s bedtime now, and playtime is over.” This shows understanding while still holding the boundary.

• Keep it short and simple

  Long explanations about why they cannot do something often confuse young children. Keep your language clear and brief. A light, playful tone can help: “All done—time to clean up! Let’s see how many LEGO pieces you can collect.” When you stay calm and upbeat, your child is more likely to follow your lead.

• Redirect their attention

  For young children, a gentle redirection can work wonders. Shifting their focus to a different activity gives them a moment to reset and regain emotional control.

  
  

  When enough is enough

There comes a point when patience and gentle strategies may not be enough, and you decide to address the behavior more firmly.

First, prepare yourself. The initial response may be a longer or louder outburst, especially if your child is used to getting their way. It helps to prepare other family members as well, and to begin this approach at home where the environment is familiar.

Allow your child to express their emotions safely while you remain calm and carry on with what you are doing. When there is a pause in the crying, approach them and say quietly, “I can’t talk to you when you’re crying loudly, but I will when you stop.”

The moment they do calm down, respond with your full attention—offer a warm hug, a smile, and reassurance. You may also reinforce this positive behavior with a special activity or a favorite book.

This approach takes patience and consistency. Over time, with clear boundaries and positive reinforcement, you will begin to see a calmer, more settled child emerge.